Should I Move Out of the Country With My Cheating Husband?
To be honest, the answer isn’t so simple. Ugh. It should be right? Let me lay it out for you, dear internet friends. Maybe then you can help me make a rational decision. Except my therapist, and my soul would tell me only I have the answers. I already know. But do I? Because it isn’t feeling clear. It’s feeling more like the windows in my car after 2 weeks without washing them. All sticky and gooped up with random shit all over them. Unclear. Can’t see through them. I don’t even have toddlers. The souls who do this to my windows are ages 9 and up and they’re the reason my proverbial windows aren’t clear too. I mean, it’s definitely not their fault. I love them THAT’S the problem. I really want what’s best for them. More than anything, family is what is important to me. I’m feeling like for their sake (or maybe it’s mine and that’s the real issue) keeping us together is what I want the most which is why, after a whole GD year, I’m still here. Is it worth it? Tell me. I wish you could.
Keeping us together would mean a transatlantic move with their father who is currently STILL in a relationship with a woman in a different state. I’m not even sure what he is telling her right now. How’s that gonna work? I suppose if anyone could do it, they could. They’ve been realllllllly good at seeing each other considering the 9 hour drive, 2 hour flight, 2 demanding jobs, and 6 kids (between them). A state away? a continent away? Pshhh.. what’s the big deal? She’s got a significant amount of money so I’m sure travel costs won’t be the issue but time with his kids could interrupt those plans.
As a side note, I love writing on this account because I leave most of the fluffy shit out. I get to be the sassy ol’ me. You may not know it but I am on a pretty deep spiritual dive. That and I’m doing an intense form of therapy I’ve never done before. Eff CBT, enter Joe. He’s magnificent. I asked what it is he practices and he said it’s his own thing. He incorporates somatic experiencing but we haven’t even gotten to the somatic stuff yet.
Point is, I’m IN the shit. Diggin’ and clawing my way out in a way I never have before and I’ve done A LOT of therapy. Thank goddess retrograde is over because whoa. WHOA. In addition, I’m seriously so blessed. Sounds contradictory right? I am, though. I count my blessings but not enough. lol. The shit isn’t all bad by the way. I’ve told Joe more than one time how excited I am to be doing it but it’s still allowed to feel big and sometimes heavy.
Here’s where I’m getting caught up on my decision making: nothing feels right. Every time I make a choice it feels like something comes crashing down and shatters that plan to pieces…like smashes my neat little bundled plan with 237 bricks dropping from the sky.
Therefore tonight I’m feeling back to square one. Here are some of the options:
Stay where we are. We own our home. He leaves, goes across the world and we do a separate thing. This would mean longgg days of travel for the kids, jet lag (which truly effs with your system) and him not seeing them and vice versa (most likely) except on holidays and during the summer. I parent and do life alone in a city where I don’t necessarily have the support system I wish I had. I didn’t build one because I knew we would leave eventually and I’ve been doing so much growth work I honestly haven’t had time. I have a desire to build community but am I actually going to with having to work and do all the things alone the majority of the time? It’s hard to know. Again, I want to. I dream of hosting musical get-together’s and yoga and women's circles in my back yard. I want friends and family to come stay with me. I am a gatherer.
I’ve prioritized raising my kids for the last however many years. We are entering a new phase of life where they’re independent and capable of doing more on their own however, I still want to mother and nurture them as much as possible. They’re only little for awhile. Judge me if you want. These are my values. This plan may allow for space for that if I create it. Is it possible? I think that’s my unknown and the reason this plan feels so scary to me.
We go with him. Him and I live in separate rooms/houses (whatever we can figure out). This would be more of a figure it out as we go kind of plan. I’m not doing a relationship with him right now. It would be co-parenting. I get to travel, see more of Europe/the world, and share more of the responsibility of parenting with him.
He goes now/soon, we come later.
We get an RV/Van and travel everywhere while he is gone. We’ve talked about a skoolie as a family for awhile now. It would be a version of that but not a skoolie and me as the solo driver. It would give me the flexibility I crave. It would be less expensive allowing for money to be saved for travel across the world to see him. It would also be me, a single mom, as the solo driver for me and my kiddos. Thrilling but also slightly nerve wrecking. I know I’m capable. I’ve loved this idea for awhile but I tend to brush it aside because it is so out there. I love the idea of us all being close but with the opportunity for space too. My friend showed me this get-up where it’s a converted van towing an RV. With older kids, they could have the RV and I could have the van for some private time. I love nature and the idea of being close to her as well. I love the idea of being able to go see friends and family and once we get sick of them, having the option to gtfo. lol. Ugh, dreamy right?
We move to our “home” state where our family and support system are and it happens to be where she is too. I hate this plan for some reason. It feels the most safe though. Is that why I hate it? Well tbh, it feels both safe and scary. I HATE that she’s there. I LOVE That my family and friends are there but I also HATE that because it’s so effing comfortable. I feel like this is my chance to grow and expand and do the scary thing AND yet…
If I’m being completely honest, I feel nervous about what’s happening in the world. I know all the spiritual folk say this is the antithesis of trying to stay in the light yet it feels like such a tangible issue for me and my kids. There are wild things happening on a daily basis and I’m not sure what to do about it. It feels so real. It makes me feel like I do not want to be alone, nor do I want to raise my kids alone. In theory, I know I wouldn’t/won’t be however, there’s a thing to be said about having a partner to raise babies with. Despite my modern ways of thinking, a partner is important to me too. I am lucky enough to have it with my bff and if I wanted that, I would have to move to our home state because she’s there too. Otherwise, I do this kind-of-scary raising of my offspring alone. I know I’m capable. I know I can do it. It’s the combination of All The Things that get stuck in a loop in my head and heart.
Haaallp. Except you can’t really because say it with me The Answers Are Within (No but seriously, where are they within? Lol jk). Thanks for being here friends. I appreciate you and your eyeballs and your energy in reading this.
