Valentine’s Day Looked Different This Year
I am “single” and not romantically tied to anyone right now. I woke up yesterday to a clogged toilet and therefore dealt with literal shit from the moment I began this day.
I attempted to go back to sleep to no avail. The older girls in this household wanted to have a little shindig to celebrate so we were told we had to wait for them to wake up before we went downstairs. Everyone was up late the night before (we were watching a scary TV series together) so everyone also slept in. Except for the littlest one in the house. He’s four and not mine so I didn’t have to deal with that. 10 rolled around then 10:30. I called Jesse. I wanted to the night before, and the night before that. He was watching a show with our son so I told him to call me back when it was over. We heard each other wrong. He texted me and asked if I was going to call back. I thought he was going to call me back. I called at 12:30.
I’ve been trying not to spiral in regards to my wondering brain. I can always sense when he’s closed off and blocked. In my head I create the story that it’s because things are good between them. He confirmed that. He said he keeps me and the kids wrapped up in a little ball in his heart and mind and closes himself off to that because when he lets that in, his decision becomes clear.
He can’t get himself to take action.
He confirmed that too. I cried to him. I spoke so softly and gently and told him I didn’t know what was going to happen but that I was not closing myself off. To anything. I had/have decided I will always love him and I wish he could do the same for me but I don’t think he is capable. I said all of this to him and he responded that it’s not about love, it’s about being able to accept parts of each other. I said, “Isn’t it the same thing?” Maybe I’m wrong. Or maybe just different… in my belief that love is all-encompassing.
My therapist has called him out about his beliefs being so rigid, which is fine… but there’s got to be space for others to have theirs too. Balance.
He is on this beliefs kick. Where he’s currently having an affair but wants monogamy. It’s perplexing for me to understand and whenever we talk about it, I end up angry because he is such a hypocrite.
Anyway, after this conversation that leaned heavily in favor of my vulnerability, we got off the phone.
My initial reason for calling him was my way of trying to do things differently. For that morning, and the days prior, I wanted to check phone records to make myself angry. I needed it. I hate thinking about their relationship. I hate it so much. I don’t know why I even do it. He is acting like a piece of shit and has been for 7 months…that should be enough. For some reason though, I keep hanging on.
I called him because I didn’t want to make up the stories. I wondered how/if he was getting her a Valentine’s Day present. He promised I wouldn’t find any more charges on our card. Did he get smart and get Venmo? If you’re gonna do an affair, do it right.
His text to me that morning. “Happy heart day. I still love you.” Then a picture of our three beautiful children from back in the day. They’re all asleep on each other’s shoulders in the backseat of our car after a long trip. It’s truly adorable I think we were in Europe at the time. Then “Those are hearts” with the heart-faced emoji.
After our conversation, we went downstairs to a kitchen decorated with balloons and cotton candy and mini m&m’s and swirly straws and boxes of chocolates all laid out on the counter. Individually labeled. Mom’s got their own, boys got their own, and girls got their own. Very cute. So much thought went into it. We found out the girls stayed up even past our late-night binge, ending up light-headed from blowing up so many balloons.
We are staying with my bff, Courtney. She has 3 younger brothers, all in their 20’s now. My kids consider them uncles. They came over, and so did my sister. We gathered in various parts of the house to help my friend unpack. Her husband is out of the country for work. So the 6 of us lone wolves on this manufactured holiday got to hang out and spend time together and it was so beautiful.
One of her brothers brought us both a gift card to a local coffee place and it ended up being the cherry on top of a beautiful day. When he handed it to me I said in front of everyone that I would probably cry about it later. And I did. I appreciated being thought of. It was so sweet.
We finished the evening with the last few episodes of a show we’ve been binging over the weekend. Great snacks, great company, great times.
It was Jen Hatmaker’s post on Instagram that nailed it on the head in written form for me. Recently divorced after over two decades she says,
I can’t count how many Valentine’s Day posts I’ve made ensuring the never-marrieds, divorced folks, the broken-hearted, second-starters, single moms, and the widowed are seen & loved on this manufactured holiday. Of course, I wrote these safely ensconced in a decades-long marriage with fancy dinner plans.
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I’m now in the category of women I used to write to.
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I am the freshly divorced, shockingly single, solo parent this year. I couldn’t have imagined it. Last year, I’d just returned from NYC where Brandon took me to see Hamilton for our 26th anniversary. It feels like yesterday & 20 million years ago. The things I didn’t know, you guys.
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However, this traumatic year taught me more about love than all previous years combined. In the last 7 months, I learned about love that lasts, healthy & strong & forever, & for me, it is not contingent on marriage. My family & kids & friends showed me. In fact, on V-Day, I am having dinner & game night in with 3 of my best friends & their husbands. LOL! And I get no free pass; They are like “What are you bringing, girl??”
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Lasting love might be a spouse, but it might not. It might be the faithfulness of siblings & best friends & parents. It might be the unshakeable love of your children. Maybe your neighbors or cousins or favorite aunts & uncles. Perhaps it is with your own lovely self, because you are your own best person.
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I do not feel remotely sad about Valentine’s Day; I’ve done too much work. I am in possession of love that lasts, & now I know. So are you, whether in a romantic relationship or not. Look up, look around. See it. Cherish it. You are beloved.
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